脫口秀文本、翻譯及講解

Hi, everybody...so aah, I am Irish...I read a report saying that a man reach their sexual peak at the age of 18...but I didn't know this, until I was 25...so the world will never knew what a stud I was...nobody took a bite out of this peach when it was ripe...
大家好，我是愛爾蘭人……我曾經(jīng)讀過一篇報(bào)道說一個(gè)男人在18歲的時(shí)候就有了性高潮，我竟然一直都不知道，直到25歲……所以全世界都不知道我有多性感，桃子熟了都沒人咬一口……

I am not good at sports, but I love parallel parking...because unlike sports...whenever parallel parking, the worse you are...the more people they have rooting for you...
我不擅長(zhǎng)運(yùn)動(dòng)，但是我喜歡平行停車……因?yàn)楹瓦\(yùn)動(dòng)不一樣，不管什么時(shí)候你做平行停車，都是你停的越爛，越多人給你叫好。

parallel parking是美國(guó)考駕照路考的一個(gè)部分，意思是平行停車，就是讓你把車停到平行的車的后面。

I am an immigrant...and I used to drive this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that impossible to peel it off...and one of them said ...if you don't speak english...go home...and I didn't know this for two years...
我是個(gè)移民，我曾經(jīng)開著這輛貼了很多貼紙撕都撕不下來的二手車開了很久。其中一張貼紙寫的是……如果你不會(huì)說英語，滾回家吧……我兩年以后才知道寫的是這個(gè)。

I tried really hard to become an US citizen, and I had to take this America history lessons...
where they ask us questions like... who's Benjamin Franklin...well, I like aah...the reason our convenience store gets robbed...what's the second amendment...well, I like aah...the reason our convenience store gets robbed...what's the row (Roe) vs Wade...like aah...two ways of coming to the united states...
我曾經(jīng)很努力的想成為美國(guó)公民，為此我不得不去上美國(guó)歷史課。課堂上他們問我，本杰明·富蘭克林是誰？呃，我就說，這就是我們便利店被搶的原因……憲法第二修正案是什么……呃，這就是我們便利店被搶的原因……Roe vs. Wade是什么……我當(dāng)時(shí)想……來美國(guó)的兩種方法么？

這個(gè)笑話可能不太好理解，美國(guó)憲法第二修正案的內(nèi)容是：管理良好的民兵是保障自由州的安全所必需的,人民持有和攜帶武器的權(quán)利不得侵犯。也就是保障了美國(guó)人持槍的自由，所以說是便利店被搶的原因。

那么為什么本杰明·富蘭克林也是便利店被搶的原因呢？還記得電影《貧民窟的百萬富翁》中，九道題的第五道題嗎？一百美元的鈔票上，印的是哪一位美國(guó)總統(tǒng)的肖像？答案就是本杰明·富蘭克林，便利店被搶當(dāng)然是為了錢啦。

Roe vs. Wade，羅伊訴韋德案在美國(guó)是一個(gè)影響深遠(yuǎn)的案件。眾所周知美國(guó)每次總統(tǒng)大選都有一個(gè)話題會(huì)被拿出來討論，就是墮胎。早先美國(guó)刑法規(guī)定，除了依照醫(yī)囑保障母親的身體安全之外，所有的墮胎行為都屬違法，1969年，一位化名簡(jiǎn)·羅伊（Jane Roe）的婦女向德克薩斯州刑法提出了挑戰(zhàn)，而韋德是審理這個(gè)案子的法官。聯(lián)邦最高法院在此案中首次認(rèn)可了墮胎權(quán)，這個(gè)案子對(duì)美國(guó)的司法影響深遠(yuǎn)。而這段話中，笑料在于Roe和row同音，row有劃船的意思，wade有涉水的意思，所以說是來美國(guó)的兩種方法，也許其中還隱含了有偷渡的含義。

I have a family now, but I used to be really scared of marriage... I was like...wow...50% of all marriages end up lasting for ever...
我現(xiàn)在成家了，不過我曾經(jīng)很害怕結(jié)婚，我那會(huì)在想，哇哦，有一半的婚姻竟然以長(zhǎng)相廝守到永遠(yuǎn)作為結(jié)局……

I just had my first child last year... and aah...I was really amazed by it...you know...I was at the delivery room...holding on my son...thinking to myself...wow...he was just born...and he is already US citizen...so I said to him...ah...do you even know who's Benjamin Franklin...
去年我剛有了第一個(gè)孩子，我真的很驚喜，我在產(chǎn)房，抱著我的兒子，腦子里想，哇哦，他才剛出生，就已經(jīng)是美國(guó)公民了……所以我對(duì)他說……喂，你已經(jīng)知道本杰明·弗蘭克林是誰了么……

Now I have a sign on my car...it says...ah...baby on board...this sign is basically a threat...it just says I have a screaming baby and a nagging wife...and I am not afraid of dying anymore...
現(xiàn)在我的車上有個(gè)標(biāo)記，寫的是車?yán)镉袀€(gè)孩子，這個(gè)標(biāo)記基本上就是一威脅——意思是，我有一個(gè)哭鬧的孩子和一個(gè)嘮叨的老婆——我再也不怕死了……

脫口秀文本為滬江小編根據(jù)網(wǎng)絡(luò)文本校對(duì)整理，滬江小編翻譯，僅供參考。?

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